For the first time

since I stopped working I'm feeling productive, inspired, confident and hopeful. Finally, unemployment turned useful. The long-awaited epiphany is here.

There is a goal. There is an aim. And the direct result: there is a lot of work. So chop, chop.

The all-important auntie

My favourite desi place to eat in Seattle is a place called Chillis. The Mallu/Tam combination that runs it,  works out perfectly for the Mallu/Tam combo that we are. I can indulge the Madras in me when I feel like a change, and H gets to taste Kerala, one different bite at a time.

The best part however about going there is the 'Auntie' who runs the place. How easily we fall into calling her that, just like all aunties back home who we meet for the first time or have known our entire lives. She is hilarious, talkative, and like many an auntie, inquisitive. Take for example our last visit there. She touched my tummy, rolled her eyes like a kathakali dancer, and asked "Mmm? Vella news undo?"("Any news?") with a cheeky grin.

I wonder how I would have reacted if it was home. I might have itched to slap her across the face. I laughed it off instead as thanks for the meenvattichadu and kappa (tapioca and fish curry) that made me melt away into many a kitchen in Kochi. Mmmmmm.

I shall be back. When I want to eat a piece of home, or just hear it in her chatter and chuckles.

Picture this

I honestly can't understand HOW LivingSocial makes money, with all the deals they keep giving away. But hey, who's complaining? One purchase which I insisted on snapping up immediately was that of a local photographer to get some pictures of H and I. Both of us love being behind the camera but never in front of it. We belong to the awkward-unnatural clan when placed before the lens. The tragedy of all this is that we seem to be building up a good collection of photographs but none with the two of us. We have some individual ones, when I take of him and vice versa but next to nothing of us together, except some painful Patel photos which strangers have clicked for us.

The reason I was really excited about this photoshoot was because I did some research on the photographer and she was not the standard-pose variety. Her style was more candid which definitely is the only way the two of us can get half-decent pictures. So after much drama, which involved changing dates tonnes of time and going to-and-fro with her for over a month, today we FINALLY had our session this morning.

It was worth the wait. It turned out to be an unnaturally beautiful fall morning, she was wonderful to work with, and the whole affair seemed completely effortless. Now I have to wait 48 hours before I see the pictures, and it's driving me insane. I literally cannot stop thinking about it.

Why? Mainly because in that quick 30 minutes, I hardly remember Charis clicking away. Because throughout it I got to keep my eyes on H. I got to grin idiotically at him, laugh hysterically at his running commentary, bug him, tug him, and hold him. And for the first time ever, I didn't care about the camera. I just remember feeling I could not be more in love with this man.

I want to see. I want to see what the face of a woman looks like when she feels this. Gimme them photos, now. Please?

Camping

The only thing I'm kicking myself over is why we didn't start earlier in the season. Aaargh. But well, I got the perfect shot of Crater Lake as the sun began to rise. Nobody else around. Quiet and beautiful. But freezing, windy, and taken just as the camera started getting drizzled upon. What all we do for photography. My first successful panorama. And symbolic of my shift to H's Canon. Don't ask. I've made my peace with it. After all, it's the photographer and not the equipment. What say?

From 28 to 29 through 30

As an unemployed-not-so-youth-anymore I'm finding it increasingly difficult to take control of my life. Ironically, when I was busy with a job and mad schedules I got more things done in my day, and working itself was fulfilling enough. I'm still basking in the time I get to spend with my partner (I hate the word husband. Boring. Bland. Prosaic. Everything that he is not. So we shall refer to him as H. H for he/him. Simple?) being 'newly weds' and all. But he still goes to work from 9 to 5, which leaves me with a whole day to myself.  Day after day. Of course, it's easy to assume this is an ideal world. Where I get to sit around, go out, do anything I want, without having to spend my time being a slave to my job instead. I'd be willing to trade. NOW.

I loved having a job, being financially independent and doing something I valued. Not to devalue anybody who runs a household. I think by far it is the hardest thing to do; having 3 proper meals on the table, cleaning, arranging, fixing. It is all severely underestimated. But the fact is I'm not good at it. I don't particularly like cooking, although I am in theory interested in it. But I'm not at all dependable to have a meal on the table everyday H comes home. Sometimes, more often than not, I suggest going out to get a quick bite. I have days where I go into a cleaning frenzy and need to do everything all at once. But for weeks on end after that I'm quite happy to not mop, sweep, vaccuum. I try to water the plants daily, but even that sometimes I forget. Sure, I enjoy interior decoration and ceramic pottery but I'm far from the epitome of a 'good' housewife. I'm a wife. An Hwife. I'm good at that. Very good.

But these days there's a pervading sense of uselessness and guilt. Because like it or not, H goes to work and comes back. Which means my end of this 'teamwork' is to contribute, too. But since I can't work (goddamn neanderthalic immigration laws of this country) all it leaves me with really is to spend my time doing domestic chores. Because if he brings the money, I put the food. If not the food, atleast do the laundry. If not the laundry atleast wash dishes. Something. But H is the least demanding and most considerate person I know. Which means he never expects me to do any of this. Most often he'll be the one to do the dishes or put in the laundry because he sees how agitated I get being surrounded by all this domesticity that is closing in on me.

A result of all these intermingling forces bring me my current state. Domestic rebellion. I won't do the dishes when I could have finished them. I'll pile laundry for days when it would be have been more sensible to do a few loads. I can see the carpet needs vacuuming but I'll say no it's ok, maybe tomorrow. I'm piling up everything that has to be recycled when all it requires is a quick bolt downstairs. And what do I do in the rest of my time now that I'm being un-domestic too? I think. I sit and think. I exasperate. I vent. I frustrate myself. I agonize. And then I think yaay I don't have to be domestic I can walk the streets and see awesome things in Seattle. True. But then, H is not with me. Which is fine. I can enjoy things by myself. But then I think, of what use am I being to the world at large? Am I comfortable with the idea of just joblessly walking around the city? Spending money? I feel guilty. Nobody is making me feel guilty but I feel like I have no purpose. I'm not of any use. And then I punish myself. How can I go out and do all these things? I don't deserve it. I haven't earned it. And now, I sit. I'm tired of analyzing. Of explaining. And talking.

I had technically decided to start a 30 day project on July 20th, so that by my 29th birthday this year I could feel like I was being mildy useful in life. And also, to be at peace with my current situation. But of course the date slipped away like I usually let most things. But it's so true when I think about it that I'm never going to get this time back. When I'm not working I can really use it to explore myself and my interests. Who knows in a year from now, either with a job or thinking about having kids, things just won't be the same.  So, inspired by N, who's busy with her own, I decided even I'd give it a go now. It's high time. So here's the list:

• Go for yoga classes at least 3-4 times a week. I actually have already signed up, I just need to start going more regularly. About a month ago I finished a one and half month session and it made me feel great. Invigorated. Stronger. Suppler. Calmer. Being the hyperactive and stressed out person that I am I feel it did me a world of good. It was the first time I felt like I could concentrate on things after a long time. Why give up something that was clearly working?

• August is by far the best month in Seattle. Although it does get very warm (am I really complaining about the heat??) it is pretty much defines summer in the city. I have an avid interest in trekking but haven't headed off for anything this season. And Seattle is the perfect city for short day trips and city hikes too. I have absolutely no excuse. This could even mean a run in the park. But to go to a different green spot in the city every single day.

• To Yelp! every new place I eat at/ go to. I feel like it's one way to still keep me writing. And also, I use Yelp! a lot for different things in the city and I feel like it's a way to give back to a community which has proved to be very useful. 

• To eat 3 meals, and to eat them on time. God knows I'm not getting any younger. And I already know that I get bad headaches that last the entire day if I don't eat on time. But I haven't been very disciplined, sometimes eating breakfast at 11 and lunch at 3. While we're at this let's include the 8 glasses of water a day too. Having had kidney sand and all in the past. Do I never learn?

• To cook at home on days that we aren't already going out during the week. For example, we quiz on Wednesdays, which means dinner is inevitably at a restaurant following that. 

• To volunteer at youth organisations. Working with children is something I feel very strongly about. And Seattle has some very vibrant, local organisations that are doing wonderful work with homeless and at-risk teenagers and have literacy programs for younger children from families that are in need. Since I have the time now, I can at least put it to good use. Have already written to two and am hoping to start soon.

• I love music. And yet after being so excited that H had his own guitars here that I could play, I have hardly touched them. And I even got myself a harmonica a couple of weeks ago that I played all of one evening. Even if its one song, I want to play something new on everyday. 5 minutes or 50. I realize the reason I've not progressed with anything is because I go back to the same old songs I know. It's time to learn something new. 

• To keep up my Seattle photography. I have regretted so many times when I look over my photos that I never took more of the places that surrounded me in the cities I lived in. I think Seattle is special, and I want to show everyone how and why. Let's get back in business. 

Now that I've started listing there are of course about 20 other things I want to add. But let's just consider that bonus shall we?